Holy crap, I'm so confused!
I don't know what to feel or think, I need to do some grounding right now.
A few days before our final results appointment I was talking to a friend about what could we potentially be diagnosed with. I remember feeling full of hope saying that everything's gonna be ok. Best case scenario would be that they find an issue and we get a treatment to fix it - at least we would know what's wrong. Worst case scenario would be getting that "unexplained infertility" diagnosis. I can't believe it's a "diagnosis" in the first place. Is that medicine telling me "I give up, you're on your own"? Anyways. It would be worst case scenario for me simply because my perfectionist "needs to know". Not knowing means loss of control, loss of control means death. I need to learn how to fully let go, surrender and release my will to the higher power. I thought I knew how, but life is funny like that. I guess it was only a layer, time to dig deeper.
Our doc, after looking at our results, as if for the first time, and scribbling on a piece of paper for 20 minutes in complete silence finally started talking. He gave us about 15 mins worth of robotic sentenses and medical jargon with phrases like "we've been able to uncover", "based on evidence of....", blah blah basically saying that everything is fine with us. All analysis are "normal". As for the next step - sperm wash and artificial insemination. Huh?! But what's wrong? If everything is "fine" then where is my baby?
After doc finished his monotonous monologue my husband asked if there is a more natural way of doing it. I don't think the doc liked that very much. Not at all. He leaned back on his chair slowly, crossed his arms and went off on another monotone rant saying that there is nothing "of what you call unnatural" about sperm wash and artificial insemination, making quotation marks with his fingers as he sarcastically repeated "unnatural".
Excuse me! Pardon me, medicine. Aghem. Sorry to interrupt. But since when, on this fucking planet, taking a men's sperm, stuffing it into the centrifuge separating the dead from alive, then sucking it into the syringe, and then spraying it inside of my uterus after two weeks of being pumped full of Chlomid to make my ovaries pop out numerous eggs like popcorn NATURAL?!
So... there's anger! Hello there, little guy. I know you're there. I feel you.
What else is there? Relief! This is the paradox my therapist mind can't explain. I guess you have to live through this to understand fully. Why relief? We don't even know what's wrong! But we do know what's right! Everything the medicine can explain based on it's "evidence based" blindness is right. So this is hope, not really relief, it's more like hope that everything is ok.
We were very happy for the rest of the day. My husband was the first one to start wondering about other ways of doing this. I was glad to hear it. That's my man. He suggested maybe just taking Chlomid and trying naturally, you know that ancient way, in bed, with candles and moonlight, under white sheets, smelling like jasmine and honeydew, and some soft music. Ok, maybe not exactly like that, but that's how I imagine conceiving a child. I suggested grabbing all the results and finding a naturopath specializing in fertility. When we were falling asleep that night he whispered in my ear as he was spooning me "I think this is all just peer pressure, let's not rush with this and take it easy". I smiled and fell asleep.
No rush.
I don't know what to feel or think, I need to do some grounding right now.
A few days before our final results appointment I was talking to a friend about what could we potentially be diagnosed with. I remember feeling full of hope saying that everything's gonna be ok. Best case scenario would be that they find an issue and we get a treatment to fix it - at least we would know what's wrong. Worst case scenario would be getting that "unexplained infertility" diagnosis. I can't believe it's a "diagnosis" in the first place. Is that medicine telling me "I give up, you're on your own"? Anyways. It would be worst case scenario for me simply because my perfectionist "needs to know". Not knowing means loss of control, loss of control means death. I need to learn how to fully let go, surrender and release my will to the higher power. I thought I knew how, but life is funny like that. I guess it was only a layer, time to dig deeper.
Our doc, after looking at our results, as if for the first time, and scribbling on a piece of paper for 20 minutes in complete silence finally started talking. He gave us about 15 mins worth of robotic sentenses and medical jargon with phrases like "we've been able to uncover", "based on evidence of....", blah blah basically saying that everything is fine with us. All analysis are "normal". As for the next step - sperm wash and artificial insemination. Huh?! But what's wrong? If everything is "fine" then where is my baby?
After doc finished his monotonous monologue my husband asked if there is a more natural way of doing it. I don't think the doc liked that very much. Not at all. He leaned back on his chair slowly, crossed his arms and went off on another monotone rant saying that there is nothing "of what you call unnatural" about sperm wash and artificial insemination, making quotation marks with his fingers as he sarcastically repeated "unnatural".
Excuse me! Pardon me, medicine. Aghem. Sorry to interrupt. But since when, on this fucking planet, taking a men's sperm, stuffing it into the centrifuge separating the dead from alive, then sucking it into the syringe, and then spraying it inside of my uterus after two weeks of being pumped full of Chlomid to make my ovaries pop out numerous eggs like popcorn NATURAL?!
So... there's anger! Hello there, little guy. I know you're there. I feel you.
What else is there? Relief! This is the paradox my therapist mind can't explain. I guess you have to live through this to understand fully. Why relief? We don't even know what's wrong! But we do know what's right! Everything the medicine can explain based on it's "evidence based" blindness is right. So this is hope, not really relief, it's more like hope that everything is ok.
We were very happy for the rest of the day. My husband was the first one to start wondering about other ways of doing this. I was glad to hear it. That's my man. He suggested maybe just taking Chlomid and trying naturally, you know that ancient way, in bed, with candles and moonlight, under white sheets, smelling like jasmine and honeydew, and some soft music. Ok, maybe not exactly like that, but that's how I imagine conceiving a child. I suggested grabbing all the results and finding a naturopath specializing in fertility. When we were falling asleep that night he whispered in my ear as he was spooning me "I think this is all just peer pressure, let's not rush with this and take it easy". I smiled and fell asleep.
No rush.