11:20am, I'm in bed, my husband is sleeping with his head on my tummy, he's sick with a cold and we were both up all night in separate bedrooms so that he wokdkbt get me sick. We forgot that we can't sleep without each other. He crawled back here around 10:00am and even made me coffee and passed out on me. Making up for the lost night.
I need to go to clicnic at 1:00pm so I should get up and get ready but I can't, I don't want to ruin this setup. So I decided to just meditate for a little. I close my eyes and try to center myself. Immediately I get an image of a mother Mary with Jesus in her arms and, fearing I'll lose the moment, I frantically ask her "what do I need to do to have a baby like you?", she said "wrong question", ok, so it's not what I need to do, it's something else... "attitude" she said. I get it, I need to change attitude towards myself. What is my attitude toward myself? Then it comes together. I don't respect myself. I view myself and treat myself and life, and people in my life with a vigorousity and anger of a rebellious teenager. I am a teenager who is angry at universe for not being able to have a baby. You can't skip developmental stages, silly. To be a mother you have to be a woman first. And I never thought of myself as a woman. A woman. I am a woman. There is something to gentle, strong and comforting about this. I am going to treat myself like a woman. I am a woman. Let this replace the line my mom said repeated with disapproval whenever I left mess behind or was found with a stain on my dress: "you're a girl!"
I'm a woman.
I need to go to clicnic at 1:00pm so I should get up and get ready but I can't, I don't want to ruin this setup. So I decided to just meditate for a little. I close my eyes and try to center myself. Immediately I get an image of a mother Mary with Jesus in her arms and, fearing I'll lose the moment, I frantically ask her "what do I need to do to have a baby like you?", she said "wrong question", ok, so it's not what I need to do, it's something else... "attitude" she said. I get it, I need to change attitude towards myself. What is my attitude toward myself? Then it comes together. I don't respect myself. I view myself and treat myself and life, and people in my life with a vigorousity and anger of a rebellious teenager. I am a teenager who is angry at universe for not being able to have a baby. You can't skip developmental stages, silly. To be a mother you have to be a woman first. And I never thought of myself as a woman. A woman. I am a woman. There is something to gentle, strong and comforting about this. I am going to treat myself like a woman. I am a woman. Let this replace the line my mom said repeated with disapproval whenever I left mess behind or was found with a stain on my dress: "you're a girl!"
I'm a woman.
